What is the truth about boundaries?
Well one of them is that the boundaries you create are for you, not for the other person
So why do we, as human beings need to have boundaries?
Boundaries are invisible lines that define a space that we operate in and the outer limits to which we own our space. A space where we feel respected, honored, safe, and at home.
1. TRUTH – Boundaries do not exist in terms of your true self, your soul self
There are no boundaries when you are your true self (your soul self). Because they do not exist, as, there is no need for boundaries.
As your true self, you are whole, you are limitless and you are pure. And how does that relate in terms of boundaries?
Well, you are part of everything and are connected to all other souls, yet you are your unique self.
As your true self, you have no need for anything, you are not attached to anything, you are accepting of every other soul, you honor and respect every other soul, and they respect you.
It is what is right and natural to you. So you are never impacted in an adverse way by any other soul, nor do you impact them.
You always do the right thing and you always do what is right by you, so there is no need for boundaries.
2. TRUTH – Boundaries are a human concept and need
You are not your true self, due to the messages of rejection of your true self that you experienced at a young age. And you took these messages on board and as a result, you separated from your true self. Where instead you became your human self.
A human being that is conditioned, who learned what was acceptable and not acceptable, what was right and wrong based on what others believed. You were conditioned in your behaviors, your communication, your processing, how you see the world, and what you showed the world. And this conditioning became your normal.
Conditioning is your normal. You do what is perceived and accepted to be the right thing (based on what others believe) Even rebelling against conditioning becomes your normal.
And rebelling is an emotional reaction to what others expected of you.
And in living your life in this way, you created your own normal, rather than doing what is natural to you.
Doing what is natural to you, is doing what is right for you and right by you and the right thing.
You allowed and accepted others to treat you in ways that were not honoring of you.
Also, you got involved in, allowed and accepted experiences that were not right for you.
As well as you did things that were not truly and naturally right for you.
All processes that occurred as a result of you following what was normal to you (conditioning) rather than doing what was natural to you.
If you remained your true self, and not separated from the true you, you would have always done what is right for you and the right thing by you.
3. TRUTH – Why you need boundaries is because of what you allowed and accepted
Another truth about boundaries is that in separating from who you truly are, and being conditioned, you then were influenced and even driven in your choices and behaviors by key emotional processing, that came about as a result of the separation from you.
Lack of Self-Worth
You accepted being treated in ways that disrespected you, because unconsciously or consciously you believed you deserved to be treated this way.
Or you accepted being treated in this way, because you held on to the limited amount of wonderful experiences you had in amongst the treatment that did not honor you. And you believed at some level you only deserved scraps of the wonderful things.
You put others first because you believed they were more important than you. And you did so at your expense.
So you acted on, accepted, received and allowed what you did not deserve.
Vulnerability
You were scared of people leaving your life, so you put up with their treatment because you believed that if they left, no one else might be there for you, be your friend or love you.
As well as you being scared of losing what you did have, so you did everything you could to hold on to it and keep it, even at your expense.
You were scared of doing what was right by you and standing up for you, in case you were judged and rejected.
Neediness
Your ‘lack of’ in terms of your self-worth, then left emotional holes within you. And this was due to you having gone without what you did deserve. So you became needy of filling these holes of ‘lack’, and receive what you had gone without.
So your neediness added fuel to your lack of self-worth and vulnerability, in that
- you put others first because you saw them as more important, you did so to fill your need to be valued by them, to be important to them, and even to be loved by them
- and you accepted being treated in ways that were not ok because it filled your need to feel loved and safe and secure by having them in your life
Your neediness became a process of powerlessness. One where you may have even denied having or experiencing the neediness. A process that influenced you to do things that did not respect and honor you.
And yet when you own your neediness you take back your power, and your ability to do right by yourself.
4. TRUTH – Boundaries are for you not the other person
All of your emotional processing, conditioning, and your disconnection from the ‘true you’ impacted you.
It impacted your ability to trust yourself in knowing what was right for you. As your trust of yourself was diluted, you learned to trust others instead.
Your belief and confidence to make choices, speak up, and take action in ways that were true and right for you, were diminished. And you judged and rejected yourself. Which resulted in you unconsciously and consciously choosing to allow others to have significant impacts on you.
Where they impacted your self-worth, your confidence, your physical state, your emotions, your energy, the way you lived your life, and doing what was right for you.
You allowed this to happen to you, you accepted it, and you made these choices.
The truth about boundaries is you need them to stop you.
To stop you from allowing yourself to accept, receive, get involved in, and make choices that are not right for you.
The other person or people did not do this to you, you allowed them to.
And it is brilliant that you have gone to a greater level of respect, self-worth, honoring, and valuing of yourself.
5. TRUTH – Focusing the reason for your boundaries on the other person, dilutes your power
Yet so many people focus on the other person or people, as the reason for their need to have boundaries.
Where the focus is on what the other person did to you, how they treated you, what they didn’t do and what you did for them that they did not appreciate or value.
If you focus the reason on the other person, then where is your focus in terms of you?
Potentially on the impacts that this other person has had on you. And these impacts you experienced need to be worked with and healed.
But if you do not fully focus on yourself, and the baseline truth of why you need boundaries which is to stop you from allowing and accepting and doing what you have done, then you are not taking responsibility for your choices.
When you have your focus on another person, then you are still emotionally attached to them in some form. So what they do or not do, will still have an impact on you.
You will find yourself reacting and responding to what they do.
The key is for you to take responsibility for your choices, and focus on yourself. Because then you are in your personal power, and you are the one influencing you, and you grow your ability to make choices that are right for you.
6. TRUTH – Boundaries focus on YOU and others
WHAT YOU DO OR DON’T DO
- What you do or don’t do for yourself and for others
- Who you choose to be around
- What you choose to be involved in
- How far you will go in your interactions, involvement and engagement
- What you give and or share
- And what you choose to do and say
- The responsibilities you choose and how much responsibility you will fulfil
PEOPLE INTERACTING WITH YOU
- In what way, how much, how often, and how close you allow others in
- What you choose to receive, accept and allow
7. TRUTH – Boundaries are protection, control, and limitation
A boundary defines the limits of something.
When something is limited, it is contained and controlled. The aim is to stop and prevent something from happening.
In this case, it is to protect you from experiencing what you have experienced in the past and the emotion you went through.
To protect you from experiencing what you received, accepted, allowed, and did that impacted you in that it diminished your self-worth and did not honor you.
Yet when you protect yourself from something, you can be defensive, and limit yourself. You may find you are careful, rather than mindful and you are operating from a place of vulnerability rather than personal strength, belief, and personal power.
In putting up a boundary, in you doing this to yourself, you are rejecting the parts of you that created the need for the boundary.
And if you reject these parts of you, you reinforce them rather than helping them heal.
It is important to accept and love these parts of you so that you can heal the emotion that is sitting behind the need for the boundary.
8. TRUTH – If you always do right by yourself, and operate from a place of self-worth, you do not need boundaries
It may sound like I believe boundaries are wrong.
Boundaries are not wrong, because you may need them as part of your growth to get to a place where you no longer need them anymore.
Rather than seeing that you are putting up boundaries, or having boundaries (which are limiting), that can subconsciously result in you protecting and defending yourself see this process differently.
What if instead, you focused on growing your self-worth, reconnecting to your true self, and getting to know you? Focus on doing RIGHT BY YOU.
This process is way more expansive, open, receptive, responsive, and empowering.
As well as you are gentle and respectful, and you honor yourself and everyone else.
Remember your true self is limitless and boundaries do not exist, because when you are connected to who you truly are, you always do right by yourself.
And boundaries – they are limiting, they are hard, they are non-accepting, they put pressure on you and they can have detrimental impacts on others.
Doing right by you is natural, it is fluid, accepting, gentle and respectful