Relationship patterns are some of the most engrained and emotional processes to navigate let alone unravel.
Yet when you unravel them, you create the space for deeper connections, more meaningful and real interactions.
UNDERSTANDING CONDITIONED PATTERNS OR INTERACTION
Patterns of conditioned interaction in your relationships stem from learned behaviors—what you’ve come to understand as acceptable or unacceptable. They can be so ingrained that you’re unaware of what is playing out, let alone the impacts of these patterns.
However, lack of awareness and familiarity don’t necessarily make the pattern right and self-worth enhancing.
In this blog post, I delve into five specific patterns of interaction (among many others) that I have encountered in my relationships. These patterns are notable for triggering emotions, driven by a lack of awareness, and often characterized by an intense self-focus.
At their core, these interaction patterns foster disconnection, misunderstanding, distance, protective behaviors, and a lack of respect and self-worth—which can even lead to arguments. These are learned and conditioned responses, but the good news is that what is learned can be unlearned, and conditioning can be unraveled. It requires conscious effort to do so.
Instead of perpetuating these patterns, you have the power to cultivate interactions that enhance awareness and deepen your understanding of both yourself and others. You can further strengthen your respect, consideration, and appreciation, and both parties can contribute to healing emotions and fostering self-worth, creating the rich, fulfilling relationships you truly deserve.
My own experiences have not only allowed me to identify these patterns but also to work towards unraveling them. Each pattern I’ve given name, which I will share and explore through this blog.
5 PATTERNS OF CONDITIONED INTERACTION
- The – ‘Push Back”
- The – ‘Take It Away From Me’
- The – ‘Shut Me Down’
- The – ‘Project And Impose’
- The – ‘Unappreciated’
1. THE PUSH BACK
My dear beloved partner, Alan, who usually embodies a very optimistic, glass-half-full perspective, surprisingly serves as my reference point for this discussion—bless him.
Whenever I propose a new idea or suggest an activity we could try, I often encounter what feels like resistance from him. This pushback manifests not only in the words he uses but also in the energy I sense from him.
His typical responses include dismissive comments such as, “That won’t work,” or “We don’t have the right equipment for that,” and even, “You won’t have enough time to do that.” These reactions can be quite disheartening, especially coming from someone who is otherwise so positive.
The Impact Of The Pushback
When I share a suggestion with Alan, his ‘pushback’ response, negates my suggestion. He often indicates that what I’m proposing isn’t possible, which feels quite deflating and then quickly becomes frustrating. It’s as though he’s putting a stop to my ideas before we’ve even had a chance to start exploring them.
While my suggestion may indeed be impractical, I wish we could at least explore them together. Let’s explore the possibility of it. If through this exploration we discover that it truly isn’t possible, I would be more than willing to let it go.
The Reasons For The Pushback
There are always reasons for the pushback, and it does require an understanding of this. It can be because the person is busy and does not have the headspace to deal with the suggestion right then, leading to an automatic response of resistance. It’s a way of saying, “If I push this away, I won’t have to deal with it right now.
At other times, the suggestion might appear too daunting or labor-intensive, and negating it outright might seem like the easiest way to avoid additional workload.
However, it’s crucial to recognize that communicating openly about these feelings and reasons is far more constructive than simply pushing back. When you merely push back, you leave room for assumptions, misinterpretations, and potential hurt.
Unraveling The Process Of The Pushback
Unraveling involves unwinding and undoing conditioned patterns of interaction by adopting new approaches to change outcomes.
Instead of defaulting to a pessimistic “glass half-empty” mindset during interactions, it’s far more powerful to focus on what is possible.
For instance, rather than dismissing an idea with “that won’t work,” a more constructive response would be, “let’s explore it and see if we can make it work.” Similarly, instead of saying “we haven’t got enough equipment,” try reframing it to “let’s check if we have the equipment to do this.”
Approaching situations with an openness to possibilities keeps you receptive both to the person and the process. It allows you to engage positively with the energy of the suggestion, working collaboratively towards potentially magical outcomes. This openness benefits everyone involved, fostering creativity and deeper connection.
2. THE TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME
My beautiful mom has been the gift for this experience, and I acknowledge that I, too, might have similarly impacted others without realizing it.
I would be sitting with my mom sharing a situation and interaction that had occurred, where I had been treated in a particular manner that left me feeling emotional, hurt and disrespected. My intention for sharing with her was to work through my processing and gain some support from her.
The response I get from her is “poor Samantha, she must be going through a lot”. Mom acknowledges the situation, but focuses on finding a reason for why the person behaved that way, without any mention of my feelings.
The Impact Of The Take It Away From Me
To say I feel exasperated is an understatement.
When I share my emotions and experiences, it feels as though they are being taken away from me. The focus shifts from my feelings to someone else, and not in a way that acknowledges my pain. Instead of addressing what I’ve gone through, there’s a redirection of empathy towards the person whose actions left me feeling disrespected. This response not only diminishes my experience but also leaves me feeling invisible, unheard, irrelevant, invalidated and unimportant when I’m seeking understanding and support.
Unraveling The Process Of Take It Away From Me
I know my mom is trying to be supportive of me by pointing out what may be happening to the person – Samantha.
The gift she gave me was getting clear on what needed to happen to unravel this.
The process ideally would follow these steps:
- Clarify Why You’re Sharing: Before you start, you need to be clear with yourself about why you’re sharing your feelings—this reason is often that you are hurt and seeking support.
- Communicate Your Intention: Clearly express to the other person that your primary intention for sharing is to be heard and understood.
- Acknowledgement: The person listening (in this case, it was my mom) to acknowledge what you’ve shared. This includes recognizing your experiences, the emotions you are feeling, and the impact the situation has had on you.
- Listen and Validate: Before offering any perspective about the other person involved (Samantha), it’s important for the other person to fully listen to and validate your feelings.
- Provide Empathy: For the other person to express empathy for your feelings. This shows that your emotions are valid and that you are cared for in the conversation.
- Expand the Perspective: After providing sufficient support and validation to you, the other person can then share her insights or empathy towards the other person, which can help you see different perspectives or understand the situation better.
This approach ensures that your need for emotional support is met before expanding the discussion to consider other aspects of the situation. It fosters a supportive environment where you feel valued and understood.
The reason why a person shares with another when they’re hurting is because they trust the person they are sharing with.
3. THE 'SHUT ME DOWN'
In another situation where I share details about my interactions with someone, expressing my emotions and seeking advice and feedback, the response I receive is disheartening. I hear, “I don’t want to deal with this,” “I don’t have the energy for this,” or even (and I admit, I’ve said this one myself), “I don’t need this shit.”
Such responses make me feel completely shut down. The process of sharing and engaging comes to an abrupt halt—a full stop, as if a cease and desist notice has been slapped on it..
The Impact Of The Shut Me Down
When I am shut down, it halts my ability to process and express my feelings and thoughts. What matters to me, what I am trying to share, is rejected.
Essentially, I’m forced to suppress my emotions and thoughts because the other person no longer wants to engage in the conversation. This rejection not only stops the conversation but also traps a surge of emotional energy within me, which feels like it’s racing through my body.
By dismissing me, what the other person is implicitly communicating is that “what I have to say is not important to her.” This can trigger even more emotional distress and significantly affect my self-worth.
Reasons For The Shut Me Down
The other person is emotionally attached to the topics I discuss, and the idea of confronting their own related emotions may be daunting for them, as what I’m discussing may be triggering emotions in them.
To avoid their emotions surfacing they shut down the conversation—effectively shutting me down in the process.
Additionally, they might not have the energy to manage her emotional responses, especially if they are dealing with other demanding situations or physical issues. The combined weight of these could be overwhelming for them, influencing their capacity to engage in emotionally intense discussions.
Unraveling The Process Of Shut Me Down
The power of speaking one’s truth and openly sharing what you’re experiencing and what is happening for you is crucial in breaking patterns of emotional avoidance and unraveling this pattern.
Instead of shutting down the conversation, a more helpful approach can be articulated as follows: “I am currently experiencing strong emotions related to this topic, and I’m not in the space to manage them right now.”
Additionally, offering to revisit the conversation later can be very constructive: “I’d be happy to explore this with you at another time when I’m in the right space.”
Furthermore, you can do check-in with the person as to where they are at before you start sharing.
Before sharing, you could ask, “I’m feeling a bit and would like to work through something that happened to me. Are you happy for me to talk with you about it now?”
This approach respects both parties’ emotional states, fostering a supportive environment.
4. THE 'PROJECT AND IMPOSE'
You’ve got to love people who want to be helpful and of value, and in their attempt to do so, assume that your experiences mirror their own precisely.
In my life, I’ve encountered individuals who have confidently told me exactly what I’m going through, how I feel, and where I stand—all without asking me a single question.
This is a classic case of assumptions.
They project their past experiences onto me, assuming I’m facing the same feelings and challenges they did. They don’t stop at assumptions; they also start prescribing solutions based on their experiences.
For instance, I’ve been told, “You must be feeling overwhelmed and stressed,” when in reality, I wasn’t feeling either of those things.
In these moments, the person isn’t just sharing – they are imposing their views, opinions, and personal responses onto me. However, I’m not them. My experiences and feelings are my own and may not align with theirs at all.
The Impact Of The Project And Impose
When someone imposes their own process onto another, it fails to respect the individuality and unique experiences of the other person.
Speaking from my own experience, this approach made me feel as though my own feelings and experiences were being dismissed as irrelevant and that they did not matter.
It seemed as though the person was not interested in understanding me—they didn’t take the time to inquire about my feelings or perspective. This lack of consideration reinforced the feeling that my personal experiences were being overlooked.
Reasons For The Project And Impose
I genuinely value when someone takes the time to share their thoughts and experiences with me, especially when I’m going through challenging times. Their efforts to empathize, offer suggestions, and express care are truly appreciated. It reflects a kindness and a desire to help, which should not go unrecognized.
However, it’s important to understand that the inclination to project and impose one’s own experiences on others often stems from a personal need to feel valuable. This can sometimes mean the advice is more about fulfilling their own needs rather than truly addressing the needs of the person they’re trying to help. Recognizing this dynamic helps me see the situation more clearly and respond more effectively.
Unraveling The Process Of Project And Impose
The simple answer to changing this type of interaction is to ask questions of the person.
Ask them “what are you going through?” and “what are you feeling?”.
This encourages the person to share their unique experiences and emotions. Listen carefully to their responses, and only then, if relevant, share how your experiences might be similar or different.
Be aware of not assuming that the other person:
- Had the same experience as you
- Had the same emotional response or reaction to you
- Experienced the same process and processing as you
- Is in the same place in their growth as you, they may be further on or not come as far
In such interactions, my responsibility is to acknowledge the care shown by the other person. I can respond by saying, “Thank you for caring about me, I appreciate it. My experience has been similar in some ways but different in others…” and then explain how and what I am specifically feeling. This approach not only shows gratitude but also clarifies my own experiences and emotions, contributing to a more meaningful exchange.
5. THE UNAPPRECIATED
This recent experience with my mom was quite enlightening for me, and I only fully processed it this morning.
My mom needed some help around the house, and I was more than willing to assist her—I was genuinely happy to do so. However, I found myself reacting to the way she spoke to me. Her approach was very directive; she told me explicitly what I needed to do in a tone that was matter-of-fact, stern, and overly task-focused.
I mentioned to her that I was uncomfortable with her tone and the way she spoke to me. In response, she reminded me that she always appreciates my help, often thanking me for it. As I was leaving, she reiterated her thanks three times in quick succession. Strangely, this didn’t sit well with me—I didn’t want her to feel obligated to overemphasize her gratitude.
Upon reflecting, I realized what was really troubling me: I felt unappreciated, which is distinct from merely wanting appreciation. Wanting appreciation implies a quid-pro-quo scenario—you help someone in anticipation of being thanked or acknowledged. That wasn’t my motivation; I was helping simply because it felt like the right thing to do.
Feeling unappreciated, on the other hand, means feeling taken for granted, treated more like a utility than a person. This was the core of my discomfort—it wasn’t about the lack of a “thank you,” but about wanting to feel valued, not just for the help I provided but for being myself.
The Impact Of The Unappreciated
When my mom spoke to me in that directive way, I initially felt unappreciated, which led me to focus on needing an acknowledgement like “thank you.” However, I soon realized that my discomfort ran deeper.
I felt reduced to a resource, a helper as if I were a slave rather than a valued human being. It struck me that I wasn’t being considered or respected as a person, which was profoundly hurtful.
The issue wasn’t about seeking gratitude, but about needing to feel respected and seen for my inherent worth, not just for the tasks I performed.
Reasons For The Unappreciated
I even said to my partner Alan, later that day, “Mom is vulnerable because she has been ordering me around”. Mum was in pain, was anxious about what needed to be done, and was fighting what was going on inside of her. She was trying to control what she was feeling, and this control was expressed and directed at me.
Unraveling The Process Of The Unappreciated
What’s so wonderful about my relationship with my mother (and with Alan) is even if we have our moments, we process it through (or rather I do, and they then are receptive to me) and we sit and explore it.
We look at how we can do things differently.
I expressed to my Mom that my need wasn’t for frequent ‘thank you’s but to be treated as the valuable person I am, deserving of respectful communication.
Mom committed to being more aware of what she is feeling and to share that with me. Through her doing this, then her need to control what is happening for her will be less, and so her tone and approach will change.
She also asked me to let her know if she does go back into the task-focused more directive way so that we can explore it at the time.
THE POWER OF UNRAVELING
By recognizing and understanding these patterns of interaction, then actively working through them, my relationships have significantly improved.
You, too, have the power to make a meaningful difference in your relationships. Embrace the process, and watch how transformative it can be.
EXPLORE MORE OF THESE TYPES OF PATTERNS IN YOUR INTERACTIONS with this IMAD Podcast Episode
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