Hate, Hurt and Healing
I will never forget the day the deep hurt and pain I felt that had been seething in me for years, boiled over into expressions of hatred. Hate and hurt towards my father.
The years of violence and rejection that I experienced in my relationship with my dad conditioned me to be strong, outspoken, aggressive and a fighter. I was tough – but I wasn’t really.
I had learnt to protect myself with this persona. Protect myself from further rejection and hurt from others through being strong and independent. I would keep people at a distance and even push them away, because I did not trust they would not hurt me.
What I was really protecting myself from was the feelings of rejection, hurt and pain that were inside me. To admit this pain and hurt existed, was to admit that my father did not love me, did not care for me or about me. That I was irrelevant and did not matter.
To admit that I did not matter, meant to me, that I was unlovable and not wanted. So what was the point of my existence, why was I alive?
If my own father did not love me, then how could anyone else ever do so?
And that hurt, hurt deeply.
The true you, that you are born as is lovable, full of worth and value. You are whole and perfect, it is who you naturally are. So when you experience your own parents or caregivers judging and rejecting aspects of you and making them wrong, your value, worth and loveability is questioned and diluted.
It is completely natural that you would expect your parents or caregivers to love you unconditionally. And in the ideal world that is what would happen. However as you know we do not live in that reality.
When you have what is natural to you, and what you deserve, taken away from you, it leaves a hole. An emotional hole. That hole creates a ‘lack of’. You have gone without what you truly deserve and that which is your right to receive.
You have been let down and emotionally impacted by someone whom you trusted and believed would not hurt you. Rather they would treat you with the love and worth that you deserve.
My Hurt Scenario
This was the case with my dad. Whilst my mother was overseas, his actions resulted in them separating upon her return. He then ordered us to get out of the family home as he was selling it.
Now not only had I had years of being physically and emotionally unsafe around the person who was supposed to be the protector of me in these areas, he was now taking away one of the remaining places of safety for me, my home.
It felt like he did not care. Like he had already forgotten us. And he was prepared to leave us on the street. Had he not already caused us so much pain without adding to it.
I had to find a way to hurt him back, to punish him. To make him hurt like he hurt me and my family. For him to be powerless and at the mercy of me, because that was what he was doing to us.
I sat and watched him talk to mum. She had gone to see him at the house he was staying at, which was a friend of his. They were standing at the front door talking and his friend stood close by listening to what was being said.
I sat watching him and that smarmy smile he would get and I snapped. The venom, the pain and the toxic feelings circling inside of me exploded.
What I did
I knew that his cars and what his friends thought of him were of utmost importance to him. And if they were of upmost importance, then he was emotionally attached to them. This meant he was vulnerable.
Sadly I had learnt, funnily enough from him, that you hurt people in the areas where they are vulnerable. The area’s most important to them. Then you have an impact on them and hurt them. And sadly I knew this because of what had been done to me.
I kicked the whole side of his car in, in front of him and his friends.
I never actually knew if this impacted and hurt my father or not. It will have cost him financially, that I knew. And boy did it feel good for a period of time.
But the truth is, deep down inside, I knew it was not the right thing to do. And for all the justifying I did, I still felt the guilt and the pain and hurt did not go away.
More significantly though, is that I was angry at myself. That I had allowed my father to have that much of an impact on me that I would resort to that type of behavior.
Finding the space in me to forgive myself for what I had done was the start of my healing. And my commitment to finding other ways of expressing what I was feeling was what brought about the change.
What is Hate?
Hatred is suppressed and built up anger. And anger is suppressed and built up hurt that has been brewing over a period of time.
The hurt you originally felt in a situation in your past, was made wrong, ignored or judged, so you learnt not to feel or show hurt, instead you learnt to bury it.
The anger the hurt built to, possibly also was not permissible. Or not something you wanted to feel or show. So you swallowed that down and buried it too.
You learnt that you could not safely share what you were feeling and thinking. If you did it was not important and not valued. And you were left feeling powerless and worthless.
This is the point when your desperate, powerless hurt turned to hate. Hate where you want to get your power back, know you can impact the other person and have the hurt be gone.
What is Hurt?
Hurt is the pain, the sobbing, the throbbing you feel due to the emotional wounds you have experienced.
How did you become emotionally wounded?
Hurt involves you giving your personal power away to another person. You give them responsibility for your emotional well-being. For them to care about you, respect you, be reliable and keep you emotionally and physically safe and secure.
You become reliant, emotionally attached and dependent on them. This dependency leaves you in a place of susceptibility. Meaning you can be easily affected by them. And when you are, the result is hurt.
In the ideal world, you should be able to rely on your parents and caregivers to protect, nurture and care for you. However they have years of hurt within them too. Which dilutes their ability to give you what you deserve.
Hurt Building to Hate
When you have hurt and anger buried within you, you have a whole lot of energy that comes with these emotions. That energy has been imprisoned and caged within you, just wanting to be expressed. That is how energy naturally works.
So it builds and builds in momentum and intensity. And it grows stronger and more powerful, wanting to have and exert power.
Hurt and power are not a common combination. Hurt, gentleness and nurturing are. Where as strength, control, dominance and power are all linked to hate.
So powerless and desperate hurt, finds a friend in powerful, dominating, impacting hate.
If the emotion and energy are not released it will either explode externally or implode internally. It will be taken out on something or someone externally or taken out on you in some way internally.
Hate Being Triggered
All it takes is for the person you feel hurt by, to behave how they did in the past situation, when you previously suppressed the hurt. Or for someone who is similar to the person, or a behavior, word, look or energy that is similar to this past suppressed hurt situation, to be demonstrated. And your hurt and hate are set in motion. They want to surface and be released. They are triggered .
The emotions and energy that have been brewing and building inside of you, have found a situation that is as painful and familiar as previous ones. And this triggers their need to be expressed.
There is no more suppressing them, there is no more keeping them caged and impounded. They explode through your system, rushing to be released and to have their say.
The power of the energy can overwhelm you. And in that moment, automatic and instant action is taken by you. You react.
Expressing Hate in a Reaction
This reactionary moment can involve intense pain and energy that overwhelms you, leaving you unaware or conscious of what you are doing or the outcome that may ensue. Then a conscious light turns on, and suddenly you are aware. More often than not, at this stage, the outcome is a ‘fait accompli’ and the damage is done.
You may have physically hurt someone or something and or emotionally and mentally impacted them too. Let alone the loss that happens, the additional pain created and even more healing to happen.
The Outcome of Hate
The driver of your hurt and hate, was to hurt, to punish, to make the person pay through them feeling the pain that you feel.
For you to feel you had some power over this person, that you could impact them. That you would no longer feel powerless and so that you would no longer not matter.
But did you? Did you really achieve this?
You know deep down inside of you, that this is not right.
No matter how much you can blame them, justify your actions or make excuses, you know the truth. And not taking responsibility for your actions, your hurt and your hate, is you running away from the hurt you caused the other person and the guilt you feel.
Hate and hurt vs hate and hurt only makes for more hate and hurt.
Healing Is the Answer
Take back responsibility for your own emotional well-being.
The reality is, there is only one person you can potentially rely on to care for you, nurture you and look after you emotionally – and that is you. Anyone else, who shares that with you in the way you deserve, is your gift.
If you had been encouraged to express the anger when you initially felt it (in a healthy way) and not suppress it, it would not have built to hatred. And if you had been encouraged to express the hurt at the time you felt it, it would not have built to anger.
The key is to connect to the hurt.
This requires you to surrender to and stop fighting what is going on inside of you. To cease making it wrong and suppressing it. To not be scared of the hurt, rather make friends with it, because it is a part of you.
This part of you that hurts is at the age you were when you first felt the hurt. You can parent and love this part of you, through talking to them, listening to them and allowing them to express themselves.
Expressing The Hurt
The hurt always wanted to be expressed, it was others judgments of it that resulted in you ceasing the expression of it and suppressing it. The key is finding ways to express it in a healthy way, where you do not hurt others and where you do not hurt yourself. Where you do not create more hurt.
Expressing the hurt, involves allowing the tears to surface and flow. You are crying for you, for the you that was hurt, for hurting yourself and you are loving you.
You are giving to yourself, what you have not received. You are caring about, nurturing, giving time and attention to you.
If there is someone you trust, you may want to ask them to hold you, to be with you and to even just sit with you and rub your back. They don’t have to say anything, just be with you.
Write out the pain and hurt.
Free writing is a powerful approach for downloading and processing out emotions. This is where you write and write. Write out every thought and feeling you have, without thinking about what to write or trying to control it.
This process allows the expression of the hurt and pain that was suppressed, to be verbalized freely in words.
Upon expressing all the hurt, rip up what you have written, to release it, so that you are not holding on to the words, hurt and pain anymore.
In healing and expressing your hurt, the intention for doing so is to release it, so that it is not inside of you waiting to be triggered. And so you are not driven by your hurt building to hate and wanting to punish and hurt back.
So you are not driven to hate.
For you to be free of the emotional hold, that this past situation and person have had on you.
So you can stand in your power, be neutral, accept what has been, accept the person for where they are at. For you to take steps forward to influence your life in the way that is right for and by you.
When you heal your hurt and hate, you have the ability to make a huge difference to yourself, your family and the world. You take action that is right and responsive rather than reactionary.
If you ever do feel hurt again, rather than suppressing it, own it. As I have said many times – “I hate you, but I don’t really, that is my reaction, as what I am really feeling right now is hurt”. That is when the real conversations can happen.
Owning your hurt and why, and taking responsibility for healing it yourself is a very powerful place to operate from.
Check out the Hate, Healing and Hurt Video on the I Make a Difference Pinterest page